The following comes to you courtesy of an actual AIM conversation earlier this afternoon, between myself and my friend Wang. Any similarity between people mentioned below and real-life people is fully intentional.
Warning: The conversation also talks about things like sex, so if you do not want to read about it, go 'way.
Wang: So I feel like a terrible person.
Ful: Why?
Wang: Because I'm about to convince my girlfriend that the "birthday blowjob" is a part of american history.
Ful: Oh good christ.
Wang: And that any american boyfriend she's had before just didn't mention it.
Ful: THAT is funny.
Ful: You know what I think is REALLY REALLY REALLY funny?
Wang: Disneyland?
Ful: DisneyWORLD, and no.
Wang: oh. Right.
Wang: Sorry.
Ful: The part that is tremendously funny to ME,
Ful: is the fact that you are coming up with some ploy to get a blowjob.
Wang: I don't have to.
Wang: I mean. This isn't any kind of ploy for sex. It's just a ploy to continue the idea.
Ful: mmmm hm.
Wang: If I can convince her, then all her friends...
Wang: "Hey, you know what I heard. In this country it's polite to give/receive oral sex for birthdays."
Wang: etc, etc.
Ful: HAHAHA
Wang: Not like that, you sicko.
Ful: I know.
Ful: I just tend to think it is funny in general, when straight guys are all, "My girlfriend won't go down on me, how can I get my girlfriend to go down on me, all I want out of my life is a blowjob."
Ful: I am not saying that is what YOU are doing,
Ful: as I can see that you're operating solely out of a desire to help your Fellow Man when he is dating one of your girlfriend's friends.
Wang: Ah.
Wang: Okay.
Wang: Exactly. Soon the urban legend will spread.
Wang: It's legs.
Ful: I don't think I've EVER had an "encounter" that didn't involve...well. You know.
Wang: Spread legs?
Wang: Urban Legends?
Ful: No, not spread legs.
Ful: Some blow job.
Wang: You've never had a birthday not include a BJ?
Ful: I've had several birthdays without blowjobs,
Wang: So what, "encounter?" exactly are we talking about.
Ful: but I've never slept with anyone maybe EVER, where a blowjob did not factor in to the proceedings.
Wang: So everybody you've slept with, you've given or received head from?
Ful: Pretty much, yeah.
Wang: Well.
Wang: That's interesting.
Wang: So.....
Wang: On a personal level.
Wang: What else could I want for my birthday?
Ful: Um
Ful: are you actually asking me what sexual favors you might ask your girlfriend to perform for you?
Wang: No. I'm asking you for gift ideas.
Ful: Oh.
Ful: An extra iPod so you can give one to me?
Wang: That's two. If Little Owl says the same thing. I'm going to shoot you all.
Ful: You know that if it happened,
Ful: you would SO give it to me instead of Owl.
Ful: You KNOW you would.
Wang: Except that shiv has dibs. She offered cash.
Ful: I SO GET IT!!!
Ful: Wang!!!
Ful: You KNOW that I should get it.
Ful: She doesn't even own a Mac.
Wang: Right. You should. But she offered money. What could you possibly offer me?
Ful: !!!!!!!!!!!!
Ful: Wang!!!!
Ful: That's just...it's just NOT RIGHT.
Ful: Have a little LOYALTY, man.
Wang: What?
Ful: LOYALTY to ME. And my MacExpo-going ways!!
Wang: You would expect me to just give it to you.
Wang: Mac loyalty goes a long way, true.
Wang: But...
Ful: BUT NOTHIN'.
Wang: At least offer me a trade.
Wang: Like.. a pony.
Ful: I have no pony.
Ful: "I hanker for a hunka, a bite a piece a chunka, I hanker for a hunka...CHEEEEEeeeese."
Ful: I will sing you songs.
Ful: And I will bring you a keychain that says "WANG" on it from DisneyWorld.
Wang: Sigh...
Ful: Or a hat.
Ful: If you'd rather have a hat.
Wang: Shiv just offered me anal sex.**
Wang: Beat that!
Ful: She DID NOT.
Wang: She so did.
Ful: Besides, she'd have to use a strap-on. I have the natural equipment.
Wang: Excuse me? What part of my personality suggested that I would be a bottom?
Ful: Well, you didn't specify, now did you?
Ful: And what does "personality" have to do with being a bottom?
Wang: nothing really.
Ful: (laugh)
Wang: I was making a bottom joke.
Ful: Besides. That way, not only could I GIVE you a pony...
Ful: I could MAKE you a pony.
Ful: MY pony.
** Please note: Shiv claims that she has never offered anal sex to Wang; she has merely made the observation that he has never asked her for it nicely.