You know when there is someone who really means well? When they are all earnest and excited and keep using big words that they do not really understand? And all you really want to do is just smile kindly at them, pat them on the head, and wish they would stop talking?
Reading it in depth is a Herculean task, especially if one includes the comments and rebuttals at the end. Basic summary: "Gay Apes Made Everything, And Without Them We Would Be Living In Poorly-Decorated Caves."
A sample: "Like the bees and ants making soldiers, female pre-humans made gay care-bears."
Care Bears!! This finally explains Cheer Bear, and possibly the existence of leather bars. Plus, it has the added bonus of imagining Cheer Bear done up in assless chaps. (Wait. Maybe that is not really a bonus.)
Referring to brain-usage: "Again the Olympic gold goes to the gays, the silver medal goes to the females and bronze to the males. Where to put the lesbians? The jury is out."
Ow, lesbians. He continues: "The lesbian imprint on history also seem to be small compared to the gay contribution. According to science lesbians have male ears, the first physical difference found."
That is the best this study comes up with. Gays made all the culture in the world, but lesbians? They have boy-ears.
"There are born 106 men to 100 women, which indicates that the surplus consists of the 3rd sex so that a balance of 100 to 100 can be achived by comparing the number of heterosexual men to the total number of women. The gay men could then account for the difference as a separate gay group which have a special behavior more and less like women, allthough they are men. Genetic science could soon present anti-gay-baby pills to concerned mothers and the superior sex (the gays) will hardly survive this unnatural selection: humanity will be stripped of culture, hetero drones and Neanderthals will hark back to the caves, the pining for the treetops will prove too much and we will go ape again!."
Anything I could say here would be woefully inadequate. I will simply say that I am tremendously pleased to be doing my part to keep you (yes, YOU) from stripping off your power suit and climbing up the nearest pine.
And finally, because I have to stop somewhere or I will quote the whole goddamn thing: "One somehow gets the drift, when one learns that the eradication of gays 600 A.C. that started the Dark Middle Age, and it was gays like Leonardo, Michelangelo, Erasmus, Bacon & Shakespeare that put on the light again. Voltaire gave us Enlightenment, and Goethe Romanticism. Tesla gave us the electrical light and Eastman gave us film. Händel, Beethoven and Brahms & Tjaikovsky took care of the music. The founding fathers of USA, Washington & Lincoln were probably gay; the "New England Flowering" was as gay as the "Beat-generation" which gave us the youth revolt. We learned about sex from gay researchers Kinsey and Hirschfeld. It is simply impossible to reconstruct human culture without the gay contribution. Before 600 A.C. (from what we can discern J.C.´s sexuality, if any, was gay rather than heterosexual, monotheism was seemingly invented by gay Achenaton, while the Greeks gave us philosophy) a somewhat truthfull gay proportion appears and that amounts to the birth of culture itself. The Dark Ages are not over until a real gay Renaissance occurs."
I am too busy laughing to form much of a response. Except! I really have to point out that he actually refers to "J.C." For a second, confirming my own gayness and thus inevitable great contribution to human culture, I thought J.C. referred to the member of N'Sync.