My horoscope told me that Venus was going retrograde, withholding her powers of beauty from everybody. (Note: Do not schedule any plastic surgery before Venus comes back in June, says the horoscope.) Retrograde. And yet, I decided to give myself a haircut this morning. You know. Before I had any coffee. Or quite woken up at all, really. So I should not be surprised that the right side of my head is cut about half an inch higher than the left. I probably missed a spot in the back, too. I should also not be surprised that I'm breaking out all-the-hell-over, nor that the brick-red dress shirt I am wearing that looked so fetching in the mirror does not, in fact, even remotely begin to look right with the rust-brown undershirt I have on beneath it. Also, I am fat and I do not think that my deodorant is working properly.
Perhaps I can construct a transparent box inside which I can travel, and I can smear the surfaces of my box with Vaseline for that oh-so-important soft-focus hazy glow effect. Or maybe I can just make everybody I know wear Vaseline-y glasses.