Dearest Bast, Goddess of all things Feline-ical:
Oh most gracious, divine, and sleekly pretty Bast -- please. Quit it. I know you know what I am talking about. Yes, Bast. The kitty vomit all over my floor. For a while there, I thought you had taken pity on me and the beautiful kitty who I am lucky enough to be able to feed, pet, care for, pay for, and clean up after. There was a good month where for some reason, my cat had against all odds, stopped throwing up her food after every meal. She has done this her whole life, Bast, as you are, I am certain, well aware. A few days into this glorious period of no throwing up, I thought it was just a natural waning period in her hurking cycle. But then, the absence of vomit continued! "Hoorah!!" I thought to myself. "Poor little Nellie is finally in a home she likes enough that she doesn't feel she has to bolt her food and then throw it all back up again!" I know I said nothing aloud at the time. I did not praise you as perhaps I should have. Realize, Oh Most Purrfect Goddess, this was not intended as a slight to your generosity -- rather, I did not want to jinx my good fortune by discussing it.
Then, of course, we all know what happened next. Perhaps your vengeance, Oh Bast, punishing me for failing to venerate your most gracious and wonderful gift. Little Nellie came down with a bad case of the fleas. I did not waste time, Oh Bast. I did not shirk my duty as Kitty Caretaker. I zipped her straight to a vet and spent a large (yes, very large indeed!) chunk of money intended to pay my rent on ensuring that she could once again be pest-free.
And as soon as she was not busy scratching at fleas or fussing with her...sigh, her feline acne, too...well, she started hurking everywhere, every day. Again.
Please, Oh Great and Mighty Bast, Ruler of Kittydom Everywhere, please do not leave me with this horrible choice. Must I either let the fleas return and walk through my apartment carefree, or keep my charge clear of bugs and step in half-digested food every morning and night? Oh, She of the Unblinking Eye, She of the Tail That Lashes, Goddess of the Icy Calm, Oh, She Who Can Leap To The Top Of The Really Tall Bookshelf Without Thinking Twice About It! Hear me! Let my cat once again eat her food without changing her mind! Let my floor remain clear of gustatory debris! Never again make me listen to the hukk-hukk-hukk-hukk-HRRRULLCH sound while I am being...err...intimate with my boyfriend. Oh Mighty Bast, She Whose Coat Is Particularly Shiny Today: Hear my plea!