Holy freaking cow, I have both email AND a phone!
I have spent the past hour configuring my computer and re-mapping drives and re-entering bookmarks, in order to facilitate easy operations while logged in with my very own login, with my very own employee ID in my pocket. It is almost enough to make one feel like a real live boy.
Granted, I still sit in the back of what I suspect was once some sort of utility closet with my computer balanced fairly precariously on a shelf, and I still cannot access my REAL email, just a work email with my name attached; but I shall not be greedy -- Civilization abounds!