Toodling around the internet while eating my turkey pesto sandwich today, I ran across a method whereby one can tell one's future using nothing more than a simple iPod. I've long thought that iPods are actually sentient beings, given how often their randomized music is particularly apropos for a given situation. Basically, set your 'pod or 'tunes to random, and note down the first 13 songs, each of which is the sometimes-cryptic answer to one of the questions below. I took this from Kleesrosegarden, so if YOUR 'pod has as bad a sense of humor as MY 'pod, blame her. (laugh)
1. What do you think of me, iPod?
Mystery Men Oath - Mystery Men Soundtrack
Apparently I'm a complete enigma to my iPod, which might explain some of the answers below. I hope it does, at any rate.
2. Will I have a happy life?
I Could Have Done More - Schindler's List Soundtrack
No huge surprise there. I already have enough plans to fill up several lifetimes, much less just this one.
3. What do my friends really think of me?
In Taberna: Ego Sum Abbas - Carmina Burana
This translates to something like "In the Tavern: I am the Abbot." Apparently my friends think I'm a lot of fun to drink with. I think I'm fun to drink with too, so at least we're on the same page there. Also, on further investigation into the actual lyrics, the Abbot claims to be the Abbot of Cockaigne. 'Nuff said.
4. What does my S.O. think of me?
Mark On My Finger - Siobhan - Professional Redhead
Sometimes iPods are really smart.
5. Do people secretly lust after me?
Hyperlink - Eiffel 65
I wasn't sure what this meant until I remembered the lyrics: "I want a click, a click to your heart / a hyperlink into you. / A sexual browser from here to the end / a newsgroup one on one. / Don't need a modem to connect to your mind / no search engine to find you / I want a click, a click to your heart / a hyperlink to go inside you."
I think that counts as an definite yes, but only if the person in question is a bigger dork than I am.
6. How can I make myself happy?
Me and My Baby - Chicago Original Cast Recording
Wow. This one was a surprise. I wasn't expecting to have to get knocked up to find happiness. Still, the iPod knows all.
7. What should I do with my life?
Vow - Garbage
"I came to cut you up / I came to knock you down / I came around to tear your little world apart / I came to shut you up / I came to drag you down / I came around to tear your little world apart." Does this mean I am supposed to be a spy? Or just work on a demolitions crew? I can't tell.
8. Why must life be so full of pain?
Man=Drug - Lula
And now it's the time when my iPod gets deep. Some kind of statement on need and dependence and all that junk. Alternately, maybe my iPod just wants me to take more Advil.
9. How can I maximize my pleasure during sex?
Pray For Spanish Eyes - Madonna
I don't really have to explain this one, do I? Mrowwwr.
10. Can you give me some advice?
Treat Me Badly - Two Chicks and a Casio
I can't tell if this is suggesting I treat my iPod badly, or myself. I think either way, it's some pretty bad advice.
11. What do you think happiness is?
Vagabond's Waltz - Celtic Romance
So my iPod doesn't believe in money. Funny, that. It took a good amount of money to buy him in the first place.
12. Do you have any advice to give over the next few hours/days?
Run Baby Run - Garbage
Now I'm starting to get a little alarmed. Does this mean I should work really hard? Or do I need to be running away from something? Perhaps my iPod should have been more specific. Of course, the lyrics are a little more expressive: "Run my baby run my baby run / Run from the noise of the street and the loaded gun / Too late for solutions to solve in the setting sun / So run my baby run my baby run." Fuck me, what am I doing sitting here??
13. Will I die happy?
Invisible - Fischerspooner
After that last one, this makes me doubly nervous. I'm going to die...invisible? Crap, dude. Maybe I need to call it a day and go hide under my bed. Wish me luck, and thanks a LOT, iPod. Sheesh.