There are so many things I could talk about. My undeclared and unnecessarily lengthy vacation from the world of writing about jack squat is over, and I could talk to you about Christmas, some very positive changes in the workplace, how I have less than two weeks left to write a book about the clap, New Year's, the most adorable children in the cosmos, the nigh-indescribable beauty that is a sleek, black nanopod, or my 10-year high school reunion and how I was the only person there who smokes or drinks.
Those topics, however, would all be interesting, and in lieu of THAT, I am going to discuss the two most uninteresting things ever: other people's dreams, and nose hair.
First, last night I had the longest craziest dream about zombies and how they were everywhere and eating people, and it was honestly absolutely terrifying. Especially when the zombie with a blond pageboy took me down with a kick to my chest and I had to fight my way back out of a heap of ravening fleshmonsters. And the dream kept going and going, even after the snooze alarm. I'd wake up, look around at my room, terrified I would find zombies, not see them, and relievedly lie down again, only to find more zombies inside my head. Note to self: stop dreaming about scary zombies.
Second, why in fucking unholy fucking FUCK did none of my friends tell me about my nose hair issue? Usually I'm very good about keeping that whole nasal area clear, but with one thing and another, holidays, presents, etc., it must have slipped my mind. When I was looking at myself in the mirror this morning, checking out my white beard hair (yeah, I'm getting white beard hair too, in two cute little patches to either side of my chin), I suddenly noticed the obscene forest I've apparently been sporting lately. It took me a good five minutes to get them all out of there. It was horrifying. Genuinely horrifying. I was too embarrassed to look at myself in the mirror. I expect my friends to let me KNOW about this kind of thing. Broccoli in my teeth? Tell me. Big long nose hairs curling from one nostril INTO THE OTHER ONE? PLEASE for the love of all that is good in the world, TELL ME. Note to self: get more mirrors.