I'm on a conversation-kick, it seems.
So this story starts this morning, when I got the conductor with the remarkably soothing voice. That was extra nice.
Then on the way home, the F platform was fucking packed. Then the F train itself was fucking packed. I thought to myself that I'd just wait for the next train, and hopefully it wouldn't be quite so...well, fucking packed. Then I heard the conductor, and it was the same mellifluous voice. If she's still going, she had an even longer day than I did, and that deserves some respect. So I got onto her fucking packed train.
Two stops later, a guy gets on the train, wearing bobble antennae, and carrying a saxophone. Oh, please no, I thought. Please don't play the saxophone in my ear. Please --
Dreaded Saxophone Man: ATTENTION! ATTENTION!
Me: Oh, no. Not today.
Dreaded Saxophone Man: I AM ANTENNA MAN. I AM ANTENNA MAN AND I COME FROM GALAXY SEVEN. I AM ON AN EXTENDED MISSION TO SEEK OUT NEW LIFE FORMS AND NEW CIVILIZATIONS. AND TO SPREAD MY MESSAGE TO THEM.
Me: ...you've gotta be...oh my...wha?
Dreaded Saxophone Man Antenna Man: AND MY MESSAGE IS THIS:
Mellifluous Conductor: Attention, ladies and gentlemen. This is now an express F train. This train will be making express stops. The next stop on this train is Jay Street Borough Hall.
And for the next five minutes, as we sped past stop after stop, Antenna Man played his saxophone. Played is, I suppose, a bit of a relative term, as it was more like "blowing into the saxophone while his hands experienced epileptic seizures." Squeeeeeeeeeeeeee diddlydiddlydiddlydiddly HOOOONK squeeweeee!! I just closed my eyes and covered my face with my crossword puzzle book. Ages passed. I wondered if I could give him five dollars to be quiet.
Finally, he stopped torturing music. I breathed again.
Antenna Man: AND NOW, YOU SEE,
Woman next to me: Oh please god no. Make him stop.
Antenna Man: I HAVE CRASH LANDED ON YOUR PLANET. MY SPACESHIP REQUIRES REPAIRS BEFORE I CAN CONTINUE MY JOURNEY BACK TO MY HOME WORLD OF GALAXY SEVEN. I REQUIRE YOUR EARTH DOLLARS.
Me: *gurgle*
Antenna Man: AND I PROMISE THAT WHEN I GO, I WILL TAKE GEORGE BUSH WITH ME.
Me: !
Random passengers: *applause*
And then people started squirming around for access to their pockets.
Antenna Man: I WILL TAKE CHENEY WITH ME TOO, BUT HE WILL COST EXTRA.
Random passengers: *louder applause*
And then I started squirming around for access to my pockets. As did the woman next to me, and pretty much everyone else that I could see. Antenna Man took in quite a haul. People were actually passing dollars down from the end of the car.
I suppose this proves the old saying, "You gotta have a gimmick."
And also this is why the fucking packed train? Isn't always so bad. Thank you, Mellifluous Conductor, for showing me the way.