Biscuit: Tasty Doesn't Get You A Date To The Prom

Automatic reactions fucking scare me.

Last night, probably somewhere near four a.m., the boy and I were very comfortably and very deeply asleep. I was having a dream about something that I think was rather fun and exciting -- like, I was about to, say, go on a scavenger hunt or something. I remember being out in a big sunny field, at least.

Then suddenly in my dream I was standing in my bedroom and the walls were falling in and the fireplace was collapsing and I was screaming and then I was awake and in pitch black and I was screaming and thrashing around in mortal fear and my poor boy screamed and leapt straight out of bed in a huge tangle of sheets and stood there with his teeth bared and eyes wide and wild going "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" as I sat there, legs still thrashing, going "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" back at him until I had to take a breath, paused, and finally stopped moving long enough to realize what in holy flying FUCK was going on and grabbed my boy's hand and told him to stop screaming.

Apparently a picture had fallen off of my mantel, taking a commemorative champagne bottle, two brass cranes, and a water glass with it, all of which landed on the floor, hitting the desk and the printer on the way down and making what was apparently an absolutely unholy cacophony. (Amazingly, none of it broke.)

For the next half hour, I curled up in bed, head on Flex's shoulder, shaking, panting, pulse racing. A fold of sheet settled on my unsuspecting foot and I violently jerked around to get away from whatever THAT just was. My boy's eyelash touched my cheek and I flailed away from it in blind panic.

I swear -- I have never been more terrified, more certain that my heart was about to beat so hard and so fast that it was quite literally going to explode. At one point I even had the thought that nothing was ever going to be the same again, that I was going to flinch at the tiniest movements forever. It is hard to express, the morning after, just how overwhelmed and shaken and just plain...afraid...I was.

The part that I hate most about the whole situation is that when something happened in the middle of the night, something that, perhaps, could have been my walls falling in on me -- my reaction was to lash my arms and legs all over the place and shriek. "Fight or flight," my ass -- apparently my adrenaline initiates the "Flail and Fail" response. I mean, at least Flex stood up.

In other news, I straightened my hair again last night and it looks really cute.

Ful: You know what a REALLY HARD WORD to type is??

Ful: Babyback.

Ful: Babyback is a hard work to type.

petithiboux: so ANYWAY

Ful: Babyback.

petithiboux: babyback

petithiboux: no it's not.

Ful: Especially several times fast.

petithiboux: babyback

Ful: It is too. Don't mess with me.

petithiboux: babyback babybabck

petithiboux: okay.

petithiboux: FINE.

petithiboux: babyback

Ful: Babyback babyback babyback.

petithiboux: babyback

petithiboux: babyback

Ful: HAHAHAHAHA

petithiboux: not once you get into the RYTHYM

petithiboux: or however you spell THAT

petithiboux: rhymhmnyh?

petithiboux: rhythym?

Ful: Rhythm.

petithiboux: shut UP

petithiboux: i KNOW how to spell it, MISTER BABYBACK

Ful: It didn't seem like it.

petithiboux: shutupyourface.

petithiboux: BABYBACK

petithiboux: BABYBACK

petithiboux: BABYBACK

petithiboux: BABYBACK

petithiboux: see there's a RHYTHM.

Ful: Babybackbabybackbabybackbabybackbabyback babybackbabybackbabybackbabybackbabybackbabyback

petithiboux: fine.

Ful: But the rhythm still STUMBLES a little.

petithiboux: you COULD have just cutpaste that shit.

petithiboux: babyback babyback

Ful: It's a WEIRD RHYTHM.

petithiboux: it's on the CK

petithiboux: babyback

Ful: I did NO SUCH THING.

petithiboux: babyback

petithiboux: babyback

petithiboux: babyback

petithiboux: dude,

petithiboux: i'm TOTALLY NAILING IT.

Ful: You're also hitting return.

petithiboux: this is the BEST THING I'VE ACCOMPLISHED ALL DAY.

petithiboux: SO?

Ful: And breaking the rhythm of the Bs.

Ful: babyback

Ful: babybac

Ful: babyback

petithiboux: babyback babyback babybabkv

Ful: babybackj

petithiboux: ?!

Ful: HAHA

petithiboux: babybubkiss!

Ful: it's harder with no returns!

petithiboux: babybackbabybackbabybackbabybackbabyback

petithiboux: okay fine

petithiboux: babybabck

Ful: Because it gives you have a moment to think about how you have to type the next B.

petithiboux: babybackbabyback

Ful: Baby Babcock.

petithiboux: I CANNOT BELIEVE WE ARE HAVING THIS CONVERSATION.

Ful: I was JUST GOING TO SAY

Ful: can you IMAGINE

Ful: how BORED everyone would be

petithiboux: what's going on in GLOBAL POLITICS TODAY?

Ful: if they had to READ IT.

petithiboux: HAHAAHAHHAH

petithiboux: babybackbabybackbabyback

Ful: And as such, I'm highly tempted to post it.

petithiboux: oooh, if you use your left pointer finger in an unorthodox manner?

petithiboux: babyback

petithiboux: babyback

petithiboux: babyback

petithiboux: babyback

petithiboux: bayback

petithiboux: babybackbabybackbabyaCCKKKKK

petithiboux: ACCCKKKK

petithiboux: it's that DAMN C.

Let me begin my 401st entry by saying this:

Please for the love of God I hope that "Demolition Man" is not as prophetic a movie as it seems it might be.

Stallone: "Hold it! The Schwarzenegger Library?"

Bullock: "Yes, the Schwarzenegger Presidential Library. Wasn't he an actor?"

Stallone: "Stop! He was President?"

Bullock: "Yes. Even though he was not born in this country, his popularity at the time caused the 61st Amendment…"

This, taken at the same time that Orrin Hatch is trying to get the whole "You have to be born here to be President" thing negated, leads to one very nervous Fulminous.

Poor California.

I am still at work, and I do not like this fact one bit. I have been hunched over my keyboard, typing so furiously, for so many consecutive hours, that I do not think it is actually possible for me to stand up straight. Also, I just banged the holy righteous fuck out of my knee, further limiting my ability to hobble to the printer and back.

In other news, horoscopes are freaking scary sometimes. Let me put this series of events before you:

1) Yesterday morning, I ran into Shiv's boy on my way to the subway. While Shiv was singing through my iPod.

2) Then on my way to work from the subway, I ran into ArtStudent's girl.

3) Today I went to the drugstore to buy some more Axe Deodorant Body Spray. I had no sooner sat back down at my desk than Taydo IMs me out of the blue, laughing his ass off because he just found some Axe in his brother's room. Same scent as the one I had just purchased, too.

4) This afternoon, while nursing a sore throat, I thought to myself, "I think I should go downstairs and buy myself a Vitamin Water. Focus Vitamin Water, maybe." As I turned around to grab my wallet from my satchel, my boss comes by and drops a Focus Vitamin Water on my desk. He had just happened to have an extra and thought I might want it.

5) And strangest of all, I walked to Kinko's this evening to get one of my manuals smartly bound, and as I stepped out the door, before it had even closed behind me, a girl says to me, "Did I have my picture taken with you on my birthday?" Sure enough, this is the drunk girl who took pictures with Flex and I on our very first date back in January. How did she recognize me so quickly and easily, you ask? Apparently she has a framed 8x10 of us hanging up in her apartment. She sees a picture of me and my boy every day. I'm still more than a little upset that she swept down the stairs into the subway before I could ask her for an email address -- I would kill to see those photos! Maybe I will see her outside Kinko's again. You never know.

Now, I mention these events because of this:

"LEO: According to author Colin Wilson, synchronicities are meaningful coincidences that are created by the unconscious mind to jar the conscious mind into a keener state of perception. They imbue us with a powerful sense that there are hidden meanings beneath the surface of everyday life; they lead us to suspect that a huge, benevolent intelligence is always working behind the scenes, weaving connections that are invisible to us in our normal state of awareness. I predict that you will be awash in synchronicities in the coming week, Leo. You will get concrete proof that everything is far more intertwined than you've ever dared to imagine."

Synchronicity, people. That is where it is at.

Well, synchronicity and backrubs. Backrubs are also very definitely where it is at.

Strange Freakish Coincidence Week continues apace. Let me fill you in, because I know you're dying to know.

First; Remember how I told you about running into that random girl who took pictures of me in January and has that picture blown up and hanging in her bedroom? Right. The picture was taken on the night of my first date with Flex. Earlier in the date, we had gone to see the movie "Chicago." Because I am often a sentimental sap-face, I have been keeping the ticket stub from that movie in my wallet ever since.

Now, we are in July. I decide to buy a new wallet, as my old wallet has essentially disintegrated. So I am performing the fun and exciting ritual of transferring all of my belongings from one wallet to another. Over goes my credit cards, a pack of stamps, my ID, my Metrocard, my Commemorative I Just Saw Parker "Did You Eat A Lot Of Pot Pies" Posey wet-nap. But where, you ask, is the ticket stub?

I had no idea. It vanished. When I emptied the old wallet, I would have sworn on my life that I saw the stub and it was sitting in the pile of things to tuck into nice clean new-wallet pockets. But then! It just was not there! I tore my wallet and my bag apart. I emptied them both. I turned them upside down and inside out. It was

absolutely

fucking

no

where.

And now fast-forward to yesterday. I go over to the lovely Shiv's house, to watch my brand-new DVD of the BBC production of Neil Gaiman's "Neverwhere." It was a 2-DVD set, so there is this cardboard box and the two DVD cases nestle comfortably inside. Our third lovely friend who was watching with us hands me the DVD box, and then hands me...the ticket stub. That she had found earlier, while looking at the DVD cases. It had been sitting in the box, inbetween the two cases. "Chicago." January 18. Inside a DVD box that I bought last week. After it had been missing since July.

I have NO idea how it could have magically crossed the barriers of time, space, and logic to reappear yesterday. Nobody else seems to be quite as mystified and astounded as I am, sadly. Nevertheless, my ticket stub now safely rests in my wallet, where it will probably live until it disappears again next week and reappears in February, 2021.

Also, ticket stubs aside, Shiv was discussing yesterday how she used to know somebody who absolutely loved the name "Jubal." This friend was always talking abuot his friend Jubal and how great the name was. "Like Jubal Harshaw?" I ask? "Very similiar," she replied. Jubal. Who actually knows anyone named Jubal?!? And then? This morning? I check my email. "You have a new Friendster message from Jubal," it told me.

Jubal, people.

Jubal sent me a message.

Of course, I do not know if this is the same Jubal of which Shiv was speaking, because Friendster seems to have lost the message from him. Presumably, it has assumed the lease on whatever apartment my ticket stub has been living in since July.

FreshDirect.

It is here. It is at my HOUSE. I have been WAITING for this for a year and a HALF.

FRESH

FREAKING

DIRECT.

They have eleven varieties of pear. They have sixteen classifications of cheese. They have an interactive beef guide, for heaven's sake.

Bakery
1 Parbaked Organic Traditional European Bread (15oz)
1 Parbaked Rosemary Ciabatta (16oz)
1 Parbaked Sourdough Boule (16oz)

Cheese
0.5 lb Cave-Aged Gruyère
0.5 lb Domestic Asiago
0.25 lb Gorgonzola Dolce
1 Mozzarella di Bufala, ABC (250g)
0.5 lb Peppered Brie
1.0 lb Vermont Cheddar

Dairy
2 Land O'Lakes Unsalted Butter (4 sticks)

Deli
0.5 lb Cornichon
0.5 lb D & W First Cut Pastrami (Standard)
0.5 lb D & W Maple & Honey Turkey Breast (Standard)
0.25 lb Fiorucci Prosciutto di Parma
1 FreshDirect Raisin & Walnut Cream Cheese (8oz)
0.5 lb Pickled Green Tomatoes
2 Sabra Israeli Pickles (10oz)

Fruit
2 Bentzy's Pistachios (1/2 lb bag, Farm Fresh, Salted)
1 Charentais Melon (Farm Fresh, Med)
2 Comice Pear (Farm Fresh, Lg)
2 lb Concord Grapes (Farm Fresh)
3 Fuji Apple (Farm Fresh, Med)
3 Gala Apple (Farm Fresh, Med)
1 lb Italian Muscat Grapes (Farm Fresh)
3 Lemons (Farm Fresh, Med)
2 Pink Florida Grapefruit (Farm Fresh, Sm)
4 Red Navel Oranges (Farm Fresh, Lg)
4 Seckel Pear (Farm Fresh, Lg)
6 Yellow Bananas (Farm Fresh)

Grocery
1 Bonne Maman Raspberry Jam (13oz)
1 Wilkin & Sons Ginger Preserves (12oz)
1 Wilkin & Sons Lemon Curd (11oz)

Meat
2 lb 85% Lean Ground Round (USDA Choice)
2 lb Boneless Skinless Split Chicken Breast (Grade A, Vacuum Pack)
2 Porterhouse Steak (0.5", USDA Choice, Vacuum Pack)

Seafood
4 Yellowfin Tuna Steak (8 - 10 oz)

Vegetables & Herbs
4 Artichoke (Farm Fresh, Med)
1 Asparagus (Farm Fresh, Medium)
1 Baby Bello Mushrooms, Packaged (8oz, Farm Fresh)
1 lb Baby Zucchini (Farm Fresh)
2 Basil (Farm Fresh)
8 Bicolor Corn (Farm Fresh, ear)
0.5 lb Cremini Mushrooms (Farm Fresh)
2 Garlic (Farm Fresh, Med)
1 Ginger Root (Farm Fresh)
4 Hass Avocado (Farm Fresh, Med, RIPE, eat in 1-2 days)
1 Italian Parsley (Farm Fresh)
1 lb Purple Baby Creamer Potatoes (Farm Fresh)
1 Rosemary (Farm Fresh)
1 Sage (Farm Fresh)
1 Shallots (Farm Fresh, 10oz bag)
1 White Asparagus (Farm Fresh, Medium)
8 Yukon Gold Potato (Farm Fresh, Med)

WBL
1 Hofbräu Original Premium Lager (12oz bottles 6pk)

I may have gone a little overboard. But I look at it this way: it is an investment in the future. My future gastronomic happiness. And that is always a good thing.

And also, their website is an absolute dream and I aspire someday to work on something that clean and organized and wonderful.

Wow. Am I ever lame and non-updatey.

Last mention: lots of amazing fresh food. This has since all been turned into things like seared tuna steak with a soy-ginger-cilantro-cream sauce, mashed purple potatoes, hamburgers, corn on the cob, steamed artichokes, sandwiches, guacamole, green and white asparagus with melted butter and coarse kosher salt, pasta with ground beef and tomatoes, and lots of nibbles of cheese and pickles and crackers and jam.

I got a bonus at work. It was my very first bonus ever! I really enjoy getting bonuses. A lot. Also, the bonus has already been spent. I bought a Christmas vacation to San Diego with it.

Thanksgiving is less than one month away. I have yet to schedule my oven timing. I need to get on that. It is going to be fabulous and amazing, and there will be much Buffy.

I have a DVR now. Digital Video Recorder. I can record any show I want. And watch it any time I want. And pause live TV. Technology is amazing and wonderful.

I also have Mac OS X 10.3, or "Panther." I stood in line for two hours to get inside the store last Friday. When the Wang and I got in (at near the head of the line, mind you), the entire staff was applauding our entrance. That was stellar. Technology is amazing. And wonderful.

I saw Urinetown last night. The musical. The show was fantastically good, and the villain was played by Maxwell Sheffield, the dad on The Nanny. Or Shane from Days Of Our Lives, if you like. And then I met the stage manager and got to go backstage and then got to stand ON stage. The stage manager told me to sing something. At first I demurred, but at her urging, I belted out a quick "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" and then ran off stage, having successfully completed my Broadway theatre debut.

Picture it:

Me.

Chocolate brown suit.

White shirt.

Purple and brown paisley tie.

Red carnation in the lapel.

Tall black curve-handled umbrella.

Dashing black bowler hat.

I feel so painfully old-world-stylish, I hurt myself. Now I just need to find my Emma Peel vixen in vinyl. Gee. Wherever shall I look?