Biscuit: Tasty Doesn't Get You A Date To The Prom

I am rapidly running out of time to do things in New York, and I think I'm kind of starting to panic. Lavina just told me, in large friendly letters, DON'T PANIC, though, which I think is very sound advice. So in lieu of panicking, we're sending each other pictures of French bulldogs, which, despite the fact that I dislike dogs intensely, are also insanely adorable.

I'm also enjoying the coffee and donuts (doughnuts? I can never decide how I like to spell that word) brought in by a coworker of mine, in honor of my last day here before I jet off to learn about cancer and Congress. I totally won the Nice Morning Surprise award! I'd like to thank all the people that made this possible -- who I suppose would be just the guy who brought in the coffee and donuts. So, yeah, thanks to him! Rah!!

I'm meeting people to watch movies tonight, and then I'm meeting people to watch movies tomorrow, and the part I'm really unsure of is when exactly am I going to pack up all my stuff. Also mystifying me: Where has my grey suit gone? Do you know where my black BR polo t-shirt is? Should I pack a cutting board, or does my mom have a decent one I can borrow? Is the UPS Store open on Sundays? Why did I forget my bag at Bill's house yesterday? Do I want to go back to a dentist who, instead of scraping and polishing my teeth, sandblasted them with a high-powered stream of baking soda (which sounds weird, right, but I can assure you is even fucking weirder when it's happening in the confines of your own mouth)? Why do I feel like I'm constantly on an episode of Candid Camera?

Also I should mention that I found a set of XL-twin sheets. Seafoam green. 180-threadcount. They're positively dreadful.

Keys in hand, I was walking up to my front door.

"Wow. You have really incredible legs!"

I turned around and saw this guy, older, in jeans and a button-down, staring at my legs.

"Ha! Thanks!" I say back.

"I mean, I just had to say something. We don't compliment each other enough as men. But wow! Those are some great-looking legs!"

I just laughed again, and said, "Thanks! Have a good night!", walked in the door, and of course promptly checked out my legs in a mirror.

I'm really going to fucking miss this city while I'm gone.

Also, I'm wearing shorts more often.

I read through some of my comments last night. I found it very interesting to note that I used to be really funny. I also laugh at the fact that I think I've said that like five times already. Apparently I only think I'm funny in retrospect.

I'm all packed up. Mostly. I need to find somewhere to wedge in two small bags of bathroom gear (Band-Aids, shaving cream, hair clippers, Advil, two kinds of glitter, you know, the usual) and a canvas belt I just found. Also I located the grey suit and black polo tshirt I'd lost earlier in the week, so at least I know my clothes haven't come to life and started running away.

My brain is in considerably greater disarray than my luggage; I also just spent five minutes trying to decide if it would be more proper to say "more disarray" or "greater." If I'm wrong, don't tell me. I'm really looking forward to my cab ride to the airport, though. It's this great service called the Little Owl Welsh Jitney. You should try it some time. As an added bonus, the drivers are really freakin' hot.

So, yes. I'm off to start my grand adventure as The Oldest Person Ever To Live In A College Dorm. I feel like I'm in an Adam Sandler movie. Wish me luck -- and remind me often that when I get back I'll be one class away from a college degree.

The Biscuit has made the leap, ladies and gentlemen. I'm currently ensconsed in my own little dorm room back in Boulder. This is very possibly one of the strangest experiences of my entire life. I almost had a minor heart attack when I walked into my room for the first time, since there are two beds (bunked) and two dressers (stacked), but on further panicked inquiry at the checkin office, nobody else is slated to join me. So it seems I get the space of a double without the inconvenience of a pesky underage roommate.

I haven't seen anyone else in my building yet. There must be someone here, as some of the doors have nametags on them, but either they're very very quiet and also invisible, or nobody's home. I have seen roving bands of high school seniors wandering about; they all look to be about ten years old. And I saw a few college kids playing hacky sack. Yes, hacky sack. I never played that before and I have no intention of starting now.

To keep me company, I am now the proud owner of a shiny new iMac G4 -- you know, the kind that looks like a desk lamp with the half-a-melon for a base. It's a good two years younger than my Cube, and in one swoop I jumped up an extra 5 inches of screen space, which bodes exceptionally well for my future Photoshopping endeavors.

My sea-foam green sheets are on the bed, miraculously made not-quite-so-hideous by judicious application of an eggplant comforter; the clothes are hung up and put away; the shower curtain has been replaced and the shower tested; the computer's running and hooked up to the outside world. I have a pack of Luckys I'm going to go get started on. Things could be worse.

Pro: New (to me, anyway) 20" iMac.
Con: It doesn't seem to notice that my iPod exists, even when I plug it in and wave it in front of the monitor, saying, "LOOK, it's right HERE, can't you SEE IT, I just want my MUSIC off of it PLEASE be nice, waa huu huu huu."

Con: My poli sci professor is, I suspect, a Republican: he wore grey slacks, a white button down, and a red tie to class, and started off with some thinly-veiled potshots at "uneducated filmmakers who make ridiculous claims about politics and economics with no basis in reality."
Pro: Maybe I can really piss him off.

Pro: While I've been writing this, I've been trying to fix the aforementioned iPod issue, and with some advice from Luke, via iChat, all is right with the world once more.
Con: There is no con to this. This just fucking rules.

Con: I have a lot of alone time, which I'm very very very unused to and don't think I like a whole lot.
Pro: I'm going to invent projects for myself, such as transcribing my European travel journal from my sophomore year of college. It's my pre-blog blog. It's also really really bad, but when I post it everyone will laugh and also it will be accompanied by pictures of me in Europe from the year before the rest of my body caught up to the size of my head.

Pro: There are a lot of really cute college boys all over the place. As Danica said, they're still young enough that they haven't developed their beer bellies yet.
Con: I still don't have any idea what to say to any of them.

Con: When I'm around my mom for more than a few days at a time, we tend to bicker and argue and things get generally unruly.
Pro: Free laundry.

Pro: Cigarettes are $4.00 a pack.
Con: I don't have a car to get to a store where I can buy them.

Con: I tried to get a drink with dinner last night and they wouldn't let me HAVE one because my driver's license is expired, which I think is a big fat crock because just because it expired as a driver's license, that doesn't magically make me not born in 1977.
Pro: There is no pro to this. This just fucking sucks.

Pro: I'm furthering my education and making myself a better person by learning things.
Con: This is all probably pushing something else out of my head to make room, like the lyrics to some commercial jingle I heard when I was a kid, or how to pick locks. There goes my career as a musical burglar.

Hi there! Welcome, welcome. I'm glad you came to the open house today! Can I ask -- where'd you hear about it? Oh, another one from Craigslist, huh? Yeah, we've had a few people from there show up today. I think -- what? yeah. Yeah, it is pretty useful. So, shall we get right to the tour?

As you can see, the architecture is quite striking. Red tile roofs, local natural stone. Well, yes, all the buildings around here look exactly the same, but that doesn't mean each and every one of them is somehow less special, right?

Let's head inside. Here's the front door to the unit. It comes fully furnished, and it's all done quite tastefully, as I think you'll see. Take a look around the office. It's right next door to the bedroom, which actually comes with its own security guard. ...Yes, the sea-foam sheets are a really exceptional touch, don't you think? Over this way is the closet, which has more than enough room for anything you can throw at it. Oh, yes! Those are, in fact, three belts hanging there! Three! I know! It's crazy!

Moving further into the unit, well... This is where we get to the really special touches. For example, this stunning entertainment center, right next to the amply-stocked library. Over here is the remarkably spacious kitchen, which comes with plenty of storage. I think the last thing to check out might be the bathroom, which is enormous and comes with all the latest amenities.

I think that covers it, really -- unless you have some questions? Hmm. Any problems with the neighborhood? Well, not really, it's quite a charming area. All of the neighbors get along work at getting along well. No, really! I mean, there have been a few undesirables, but as you can clearly see, they're all running away.

Anything else? No? Okay, great. I think you have my cell -- give me a call if you think of anything else, or you want to fill out an application. Just let me know! Thanks again for stopping by!

* Yes, yes, I'm posting a lot all of a sudden. Color me bored, and also color me making up for lost time. And yes, those signs are both actually posted in the entryway to my building.

Okay HONESTLY, Astrologyzone FUCKING FREAKS MY SHIT OUT sometimes. Following are some excerpts of my July horoscope:

---

You'll come out of this phase wiser, stronger, and much more resilient...No one will make you accept the new role you will be involved with, and that is an important point. You will do so willingly - in other words, you will volunteer for the position or situation you are about to go into. You will do so because you will see a major reward at the back end. See this period for what it is, a time of setting up a better foundation from which you will launch a brand new chapter of your life.

In the meantime, you will become an apprentice in one new area and learn the ropes in that area. It will take two years before you feel you have fully mastered the work in that area.

The first three weeks of July will be a quiet time. The new moon on July 6 will begin a period of preparation. You will get a chance to meditate deeply about your next step. The first three weeks may seem like not much is happening because so much of what will be happening will be deep within you. Make no mistake - what you think about now will set the tone for many months and possibly years to come.

---

I certainly know how I interpret this. What about you?

*humming happily as I chop onions*

He almost fooled me today.

The poli sci prof, that is. Today he wore a blue tie. And he played a clip from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. You know, the one where Arthur is arguing with Dennis the peasant about systems of government. This was particularly fun because yesterday we had to fill out index cards with our contact info, plus the last book we read and our latest favorite CD. And then we had to read them aloud so we could all get to know each other or some junk. So, for my latest fav CD, I put down the cast recording to Spamalot, because I couldn't think of anything else that didn't sound really weird.

It probably says something about me that I decided the least weird thing I could put down was Spamalot.

So, as he's introducing the clip, he says, "Some of you might recognize this -- I know you will, Chris," and then he hits play and it's Monty Python and I cracked right up, so that was awesome. I started to let my guard down just a little bit.

And then at the end of class he's talking about what makes up a democracy, and he's talking about various freedoms, and tosses in the idea that sometimes a democracy and its citizens will need to curtail a few of their freedoms in order to protect themselves from other militaristic societies who want to take them over.

Right.

I bet he was wearing that red tie, underneath his shirt.

I also feel a little weird that I just keep going on about stuff that happened in class and junk, but there's literally nothing else to mention. I have class until one every day, and then...well, then I gots nothin'.

Oh, except today I learned that the idea of sitting under a tree and reading a textbook is fun in an ideal sense, but not so much when you realize there are a lot more bugs than there are me.

It's surprising how close to the surface things can be, without a ripple to indicate their presence. I'd have thought, almost four years later, I'd gotten over the lump in my throat and tear in my eye and weight in my stomach. Krissa says this far more eloquently than I, but my heart just hurts today, thinking of what the Londoners are going through. It's hard, because this kind of thing is always going to be at least partly about New York to me. I was so at a loss for how to deal when it happened to us -- and I don't think I can look at this without tying it into how I felt then, and how I dealt then.

At least, as Krissa says, the people we know and love directly are all accounted for. And while I might not be entitled to this, not actually being from there no matter how much I might wish otherwise, I can't help but feel tremendous pride in the way London is handling itself. When the worst in some people brings out the absolute best in others, now, that is something to really bring a tear to your eye.

So I go down to Denver for ONE weekend and I come back and find out the spam-gremlins have weaseled their way past the defenses I set up to protect my little bloggy castle in my absence. I have had them rounded up and catapulted over the walls.

Grape-Nuts are good for about the first four bites.

There's a club in Denver that feels for all the world like it belongs in outer Williamsburg.

Bikes are way way faster and easier than walking. I rode my bike to the gas station last night for cigarettes and beef jerky.

Staring at a computer screen for hours is no more fun or exciting when done at home than it was doing it in an office.

My nephew is the most awesome!! He's this close --><-- to saying sentences that people can understand.

My niece is the biggest drama queen ever, and I don't quite understand why my mom/sister play along with her when she's pretending to cry. I think Danica's right -- it takes another Leo to spot that kind of advanced attention-getting technique.

When I was packing up to leave mom's house yesterday, for half a second I thought to myself, Oh good, we can almost leave for the airport and I can be home, but then I remembered that I can't go to the airport for another four weeks. That was a bit of a bummer.

I made out with a 21-year-old. It's definitely less fun than you might think -- but at least we were standing in the middle of campus at the time, so there goes another Life Goal I can check off my list that I missed the first time around.

Also before we went out, he and his 21-year-old girlfriends said, "Hey! Let's do a SHOT!" and then did shots of Bacardi, because when you are in college you think you can take shots of anything. I suppose I should just be grateful they didn't happen to have a bottle of Cointreau or something hanging around.

Note to self: Don't ride a bike while wearing boot-cut jeans.

Note to self: Your birthday is this month. Stop being surprised when people mention it.

Note to self: Go buy salt.

Note to self: Buy more belts, too. How did I never know it was this much fun to accessorize?

Note to self: Ride the bike all over campus while smoking, and count the dirty looks.

Note to self: Go buy a video game or something. The Mah Jongg program is exhausted and wants to take a nap.

Note to self: Pick an obscure skill and learn it. Make your friends some really awesome paper cranes when you get home.

Note to self: You only have 28 more days of this motherfucking bullshit. Try to refrain from throwing yourself off a motherfucking bridge until you get back to a city that has a real god damned fucking bridge in it, by which point hopefully you'll have obviated the desire to in the first place.

Often, when I am annoyed at someone, I can be heard to exclaim, "Fuck him! Fuck him right in the EAR."

There is a boy in one one my classes with ear canals so large, so vastly cavernous, that no matter how uncomfortable or wildly anatomically improbable, I think that's precisely what happened to him. He must be the best hearer ever. I wonder if everything creates an echo in there.

I really wanted to just stare at his enormous ear-holes (accompanied by normal-sized yet scoop-shaped ears to better funnel sound), but I made myself look elsewhere -- because I think he can probably hear my thoughts.

I just finished my midterms. Both bio and poli sci were this morning, which meant that I couldn't go back to New York this past weekend for Jeb and Neela's wedding. I'm still tremendously upset by this, and by everyone going on about what a fantastic wonderful time they had, because if there's one thing I hate, it's being left out of stuff -- even if it's 100% by my own choice.

The main benefit of staying here, besides studying for and hopefully passing my midterms, was that I got to eat a big plate of BBQ ribs on Saturday, and on Sunday I took my niece to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, which I'm pleased to say definitely lived up to my expectations, which were awfully high indeed. Also my niece thought it necessary to explain all of the plot to me -- as in, (stage whisper) "PSSST! CHARLIE DOESN'T GET THE TICKET THIS TIME. HE GETS IT IN THE NEXT CANDY BAR, NOT THIS ONE." or "PSSSST UNCLE CHRIS THAT GUM IS BAD FOR HER IT'S GONNA MAKE HER TURN BLUE." It was tremendously helpful for me in deciphering what was going on, as I'm sure you can imagine.

The main drawback to staying here this weekend, besides missing the wedding, was that I got so angry I almost broke my mom's car window. Driving down the street with her, we passed a bunch of people with signs. Signs saying things like "Jesus is the STANDARD!" and "Islam is a LIE!" which is mind-bendingly horrible enough as it is, but even worse when they're standing outside the Denver Islamic Center parking lot. And I was so furious that I actually hit the window while I screamed, until my mom managed to get it rolled down so I could yell about their mind-bending misguided insensitivity, cruelty, and stupidity, where they could hear me.

On a lighter note, my mom bought me HP6 for my birthday. She wanted to go to King Soopers or Safeway and buy it at half price. I managed to convince her to take me to the Tattered Cover instead, and explained that this way, we were spending $15 on the book and $15 on supporting independent booksellers, which I thought was a pretty fucking awesome secondary present.

Apparently all the clean air and athletic surroundings (shudder) are getting to me. Yesterday I remembered that I have access to the campus rec center, so I went there and swam 3/4 of a mile.

I voluntarily exercised, for no good reason. What on earth is happening to me?

Also my birthday is in two days and tomorrow I am going to celebrate by jumping out of a plane. I figure I'm probably tempting fate, and inviting all kinds of depressing news articles about how I didn't even make it to my 28th birthday, but what the hell. What else am I gonna do on a Friday afternoon, anyway?

So every morning (except a morning a few days ago, which was a big fat mistake and shall never happen again) I start my day by making a pot of coffee. I start it up, and then I take a shower, and by the time I'm clean, it's ready. Then I usually just leave the pot on, because I don't drink the whole pot in the hour before class.

I come back to my room, and then I spend the rest of the day slurping up the increasingly burned, increasingly stiff coffee. Doesn't really matter so much, because coffee's coffee, right? Unless it's a pot of weak pansy coffee like what my mom usually makes. (Seriously, I made a pot for her with the proper amount of coffee in it, and she kept asking me what I did that made it so good. Well, I made it RIGHT, for a start. (laugh))

I'm telling this to Danica the other day, and she grimaces when I tell her about the coffee by the end of the day. "You know what I do?" she says. "I put the pot in the fridge and then when I come home, what do I have? Iced coffee for the rest of the day!"

FUCKING BRILLIANT. Genius Award, First Order, is hereby awarded to Danica, for thinking in the highest degree. All day I think about the tall glass of iced coffee I'll get to enjoy as soon as I get back to my room. It's like I've fallen in love with drinking coffee all over again! In fact, I'm a little low...I'd better go get a refill.

Hullo, I say, from under the blanket of extreme muzziness I find myself wrapped in today.

Yesterday was my birthday and it totally ruled and I threw a dinner party at my mom's house and everyone liked the cake and my sister even ate a stuffed mushroom or five, and when Josh and Brigid and Mike and Danica and I went out afterwards, a fucking hot girl said she wanted to rip my clothes off, and then she bought me a shot of Jameson's. And also now I'm old.

The day before that, I jumped out of a fucking airplane and lived to tell the tale. I'm going again as soon as I'm not penniless.

I have to go, like, take a shower or something to wake up. My mom's on her way here to drop off the leftovers and stuff from last night! Hopefully my coherence factor will rise slightly before she gets here. (grin)

There. I think that fulfills my Heroic Quotient for the day, don't you?

Meanwhile, you can catch the rest of the skydiving photos here, while they're still vaguely topically appropriate. Next time, I think we'll have to spring for an airborne photographer.

FUCKING JESUS BUGGERY FUCK, every god damned time I try to fucking quit fucking smoking, my fucking life fucking dissolves into a motherfucking fucking disaster, GOD FUCKING DAMN IT I FUCKING HATE PEOPLE.

Hi.

Sorry. I'm dramatic sometimes.

Yesterday I found out that I owe a surprise $700 to my school because they never took the money for my dorm room out of my financial aid.

I also found out that the job I was planning to go back to, in order to pay for things like a surprise $700, is no more. They gave it away. I called to let them know I was going to be back a day early, and they told me I wasn't scheduled there any more. I wonder if they were ever going to tell me if I hadn't called. I think my placement agency is a pack of shady motherfuckers, which is sad because for 5 years I've been their biggest advocate, despite slowly declining quality of representation, and now I totally hate them. One specific agent there in particular. I'm planning to write a very strongly worded letter.

And then I got into a big fat fight with my mom during which she screamed and said mean things and so I told her to fuck off and I hung up the phone. Which was something I might have done when I was, say, 17. I called her right back and apologized.

So I'm broke and unemployed (again) and also I probably have strep (I'm waiting to see if my sore throat/fever develop further) and also also I'm still in godforsaken Colorado. And also also also I got really mad and I kicked my bedframe really hard and I think I broke something in my foot. It's all purpley.

I feel much calmer now that I gave in and bought some god damned cigarettes. Or at least I don't feel like crying.

On the plus side, the trailer for Flight Plan looks stupidly insanely good. Let's all go to the movies.

If anyone's been wondering about what they could get me as a belated birthday present, try looking here.