Biscuit: Tasty Doesn't Get You A Date To The Prom

I was in the office all day Saturday and all day Sunday. By myself. It's remarkable how even a big open-plan office can sound creepy without the background hum of voices to keep the boogeymen away.

In related news, I got here this morning and almost immediately started sneezing. I sneezed at least twenty times, which personally I find absolutely remarkable. I don't think I've ever broken four-in-a-row before. Clearly I am developing allergies to work.

Since last we spoke, Siobhan got married in England (I've had pictures up for ages but nothing linking to them , so here you go), Belinda got married in Central Park, and I learned how to tie a full Windsor. If that doesn't spell Eventful Month, I don't know what does.

Hi! It's time for a quiz. It's simple, there's only one question:

Which of the three stories below actually happened to me, and which were dreams?

1) Once I was in a car with my mom, sitting in my driveway. I was wearing this big red and purple robe with a big floppy hood and stars an the sleeves. Then a white van drives up and a woman in a power business suit gets out of the driver's seat, and Bugs Bunny gets out of the passenger side. The woman walks up to the car and laughs and tells me to wish Bugs Bunny a happy birthday. "Happy Birthday, Bugs Bunny," I say to Bugs Bunny, so the woman smiles and tries to give me fifty dollars. My mom wouldn't let me take it, so the lady and Bugs Bunny drove away. Then my mom felt bad, and we drove all over my neighborhood for an hour, but we could never find the white van.

2) Once I was walking down a hill, and then suddenly there was a hole beneath me and I fell in. It was a trench, exactly as tall as I was, and I couldn't move left or right and it was too tight to lift up my arms. I could only stand on my tiptoes and peep out, down the hill, where all my friends were playing. I tried to shout for help, but nobody could hear me. I watched them play for hours. Finally when everyone was going home, one of them walked past and saw me. He ran to get my baseball coach, who pulled me out of the trench by my head. I walked home, covered in mud, and I had to stand behind a bush and take my clothes off before mom would let me in the house.

3) Once I was in this bar and the walls were all mirrors and there were these white couches, and for some reason there was a surfboard in the middle of the room. My friend was there and her drinks kept sliding off the surfboard. Then this guy walks up and says, "Hi. I went to Harvard. Do you like cheese?" Then I pushed my friend over to a stripper and made her tip him, and told the guy that "She's been waiting to do that ALL NIGHT," even though nothing of the sort was true.

Not to distract from the quiz below (I want responses, people, responses!), but there is breaking news I have to tell you.

She's spawned.

How long do you think it'll be before someone sings the obvious "Hit My Baby One More Time" joke?

And in RoyalWatch News: The bad boy's all growed up! Now he can do all those things...he's been doing anyway.

Yep. All three actually happened. Even the bit about Bugs Bunny.

I'm sitting in my office for the 11th day in a row, working, and everyone else has left. I'm going to finish this thing I'm doing, and get the heck out of here. (They owe me soooooo big for this!) Maybe later I'll actually explain the Bugs thing.

If you're very lucky.

Mike's horoscope: Your home situation will reach a culmination at the full moon, September 17.

My horoscope: A raise or new position could also be offered to you near the full moon September 17.

Mike's results: He signed a new lease today.

My results: I just won the 60-hours-worked-in-a-week prize. Apparently the new position that has just been offered is the "Office Bitch." No raise, though. Alas.

My mom just sent me money for pants, because she's horrified that I only own one pair of jeans. (I think I just killed Taylor. Quick, clap your hands if you believe in fairies.) I thought it would be a pretty simple process to get a new pair, but no.

I don't understand what would possess the designers over at Abercrombie to revamp their denim, and in so doing, create a product line that is invariably full of holes and/or covered in paint.

I'm not even kidding. There isn't a pair of jeans in the store that isn't "authentically distressed." I tell you what, the day I'm too feeble to distress my own damned jeans through normal wear-and-tear is the day I should give up and start wearing polyester track suits and living in Boca Raton.

Similarly, the people over at Express should also be taken to task for redesigning a perfectly acceptable pair of pants. When I try on jeans in a changing room, I certainly don't expect to turn around and see a saggy behind in the mirror, and unfortunately that's just what happened. What happened to your trim, well-cut jeans, Express For Men? Why have you forsaken me?

Now I get to wander from store to store, hoping to find the right fit. I don't know what it is about my lower half, but something isn't built quite standard there, as it's the very rare pair of jeans, or shorts for that matter, that manage to sit on my hips right. Now both places I've bought jeans at for years don't work any more! It's a tragedy, I say. Maybe I'll swing by the Gap, or Lucky, after work tonight...

(This message has been brought to you by the Secretly Delighted To Have a Reason To Go Shopping Committee.)

If you want a good pair of Lucky Jeans, go to the Lucky Jeans store on the corner of Greene and Broome. They're fantastically nice and helpful.

If you are like me and don't actually want to spend $118 on a pair of pants, go to the Gap. They're having a sale on jeans! It's very exciting! I can buy three pairs of Gap jeans, allof which are actually surprisingly lovely, to every one pair of Luckies; much as I'd like to own Lucky jeans just to say I own Lucky jeans, apparently some of my mom's more frugal genes are meeting my extravagant ones in a dark alley, hitting them over the head, and then stomping on them.

Almost all of my weekend was spent sitting around the house either a) in my underwear, or b) in my new jeans. There was a brief break on Saturday afternoon to go play some D&D (also while wearing my new jeans), but otherwise I got in a fantastic block of reading-time. Robert Jordan, you better just watch your hat, because if Book 11 doesn't live up to my expectations, I'll just...I'll just...sulk a lot and then wait three more flaming years to read Book 12, you goatkissing woolhead.

Toodling around the internet while eating my turkey pesto sandwich today, I ran across a method whereby one can tell one's future using nothing more than a simple iPod. I've long thought that iPods are actually sentient beings, given how often their randomized music is particularly apropos for a given situation. Basically, set your 'pod or 'tunes to random, and note down the first 13 songs, each of which is the sometimes-cryptic answer to one of the questions below. I took this from Kleesrosegarden, so if YOUR 'pod has as bad a sense of humor as MY 'pod, blame her. (laugh)

1. What do you think of me, iPod?
Mystery Men Oath - Mystery Men Soundtrack
Apparently I'm a complete enigma to my iPod, which might explain some of the answers below. I hope it does, at any rate.

2. Will I have a happy life?
I Could Have Done More - Schindler's List Soundtrack
No huge surprise there. I already have enough plans to fill up several lifetimes, much less just this one.

3. What do my friends really think of me?
In Taberna: Ego Sum Abbas - Carmina Burana
This translates to something like "In the Tavern: I am the Abbot." Apparently my friends think I'm a lot of fun to drink with. I think I'm fun to drink with too, so at least we're on the same page there. Also, on further investigation into the actual lyrics, the Abbot claims to be the Abbot of Cockaigne. 'Nuff said.

4. What does my S.O. think of me?
Mark On My Finger - Siobhan - Professional Redhead
Sometimes iPods are really smart.

5. Do people secretly lust after me?
Hyperlink - Eiffel 65
I wasn't sure what this meant until I remembered the lyrics: "I want a click, a click to your heart / a hyperlink into you. / A sexual browser from here to the end / a newsgroup one on one. / Don't need a modem to connect to your mind / no search engine to find you / I want a click, a click to your heart / a hyperlink to go inside you."
I think that counts as an definite yes, but only if the person in question is a bigger dork than I am.

6. How can I make myself happy?
Me and My Baby - Chicago Original Cast Recording
Wow. This one was a surprise. I wasn't expecting to have to get knocked up to find happiness. Still, the iPod knows all.

7. What should I do with my life?
Vow - Garbage
"I came to cut you up / I came to knock you down / I came around to tear your little world apart / I came to shut you up / I came to drag you down / I came around to tear your little world apart." Does this mean I am supposed to be a spy? Or just work on a demolitions crew? I can't tell.

8. Why must life be so full of pain?
Man=Drug - Lula
And now it's the time when my iPod gets deep. Some kind of statement on need and dependence and all that junk. Alternately, maybe my iPod just wants me to take more Advil.

9. How can I maximize my pleasure during sex?
Pray For Spanish Eyes - Madonna
I don't really have to explain this one, do I? Mrowwwr.

10. Can you give me some advice?
Treat Me Badly - Two Chicks and a Casio
I can't tell if this is suggesting I treat my iPod badly, or myself. I think either way, it's some pretty bad advice.

11. What do you think happiness is?
Vagabond's Waltz - Celtic Romance
So my iPod doesn't believe in money. Funny, that. It took a good amount of money to buy him in the first place.

12. Do you have any advice to give over the next few hours/days?
Run Baby Run - Garbage
Now I'm starting to get a little alarmed. Does this mean I should work really hard? Or do I need to be running away from something? Perhaps my iPod should have been more specific. Of course, the lyrics are a little more expressive: "Run my baby run my baby run / Run from the noise of the street and the loaded gun / Too late for solutions to solve in the setting sun / So run my baby run my baby run." Fuck me, what am I doing sitting here??

13. Will I die happy?
Invisible - Fischerspooner
After that last one, this makes me doubly nervous. I'm going to die...invisible? Crap, dude. Maybe I need to call it a day and go hide under my bed. Wish me luck, and thanks a LOT, iPod. Sheesh.

Okay, what the FUCK is going on with Kate Moss? The poor girl gets photographed doing a little blow, and loses all of her contracts?

I mean, losing a contract with H&M I can understand, because it's not like anybody who works at H&M makes enough money to buy any coke. But getting dropped by Chanel and Burberry? That's just low.