Many Thanks, Sinceeeerely...
While I am already friends with one very lovely and accomplished songstress, every now and then, I'm taken with the urge to pen a few lyrics of my own. My latest offering draws from real-life inspiration.
Last night, I stayed up late with my adored roommate and life-partner, helping her polish off some homework that was due today. After she'd turned it in, she told me that she was thinking about buying me a gigolo, in thanks. I laughed, and told a coworker about it, who recoiled a bit and suggested that I be given a pint of Haagen-Dazs coffee ice cream instead.
"What? How are the two even vaguely comparable?"
"Well, they ARE. Coffee ice cream is way better than a gigolo.
"Is not. I mean, sure, you can eat both of them. But only one of the two will eat you back."
"...Well. Fine. But also, only one of them will smell like sweaty ass."
"Touché."
Then, for some reason, "smells like sweaty ass" brought to mind a song lyric from long ago: "And never smell of baaaarley waaaaaaa-terrrrrrrrr." You know. The classic song from Mary Poppins, "The Perfect Nanny." (For the original lyrics, click here.) With that in mind, I give you "The Perfect Gigolo." Honestly, it's a little startling how little the lyrics needed to be changed.
The Perfect Gigolo
Wanted: a gigolo for one adorable homo.
If you want this choice position
Have a cheery disposition
Rosy cheeks, no warts!
Play games, all sorts.
You must be kind, you must be witty
Fairly sweet and VERY pretty
Take me on outings, give me treats
Sing songs, bring sweets
Never be cross or cruel (unless I ask)
Never lube with castor oil or gruel
Tell me there ain't no one hotter
And wash with lots of soap and water
If you won't scold and dominate me (again, unless I ask)
I will never give you cause to hate me
I won't hide your undershorts
So you can't flee
No crumbs in your bed
And won't forget your fee
Hurry, Giggy!
Many thanks!
Sincerely,
Christopher Biscuit!
I think I can work with this -- I'm seeing an entire musical about my gigolo. "Oliver" already has "A Boy For Sale," and "I'd Do Anything For You." "Oklahoma" has "I Cain't Say No." "Camelot" has "The Lusty Month of May." And just take a minute to think of the possibilities of amending either "My Favorite Things," "The Lonely Goatherd," (lusty and clear from the goatherd's throat!) or "Sixteen Going (Down) on Seventeen."
I think I found my new hobby.
(postscript: I still haven't figured out the issue with my comments. If you feel compelled to say something about what may become my life's work, drop me a line. trusilvr at google's awesome email. Just, you know. FYI.)